schnoidlblog

yeah, that second week in March, where you go, hooo shit, this year is moving right along isn’t it, whaddawedoNOW????

how you doin so far?

do NOT go see Alice in Wonderland. Don’t even steal it, and don’t be tempted when the DVD lands. What a waste of attention. Not once did i get sucked in, or even feel the breeze. What a sad empty nothing of a movie. Worst CG I’ve seen in ages, every single item looked so fake, and no characters had any depth at all. You’ve been warned. And if you ever see Danny Elfman, knock him on the ground and piss on him; he used to be such a weirdo, but now all he does is grind out the shittiest soundtracks known to man.

just got a 40€ ticket on the S-bahn for no ticket. shitass. Had two more trips (2€/ea, 8 total) planned today, so I wanted to buy a 6€ day pass earlier but the machine didn’t carry them, so i figured just skip one ticket and we’re even. brightass. went to see my roommate’s soccer game, got there for last fifteen minutes of it. it was in a Turkish neighborhood, and I should have realized, that’s where the inspectors like to gather. one stop from home saw the wallets/badges come out. fuck. oh well. 40€ is not enough that i want to have my whole fucking day ruined over it. but goddammit.

been craving tracks as hard as i hear when the good DJs are up, but there’s so much filler out there. but, if you persist, then eventually…and suddenly my beatport cart is full of treasure. gotta be careful, i don’t spend my whole fee from the gig next month on tracks for it, but then again, why not? if that money isn’t authorized to buy solid tracks, then which is? if you’re curious, go to beatport.com, and do a search for Hardsignal Recordings, I put a ton of those in my cart today, just fucking WICKED!!!

oh and ps, retard ex-roommate, no there won’t be any further mention of you here. you are so fucking history, god this place is much healthier without your aimless dull dragging energy around. byeeee!!!

finally got off my thumb, and went on residentadvisor.net (a fantastic music/clubbing resource, loads and loads of top-shelf podcasts) (ok and also a lot of publicist-driven whatever, but what do you expect), and looked up some clubs in Switzerland and Prague, hit them up with some emails, hope one of them bites. hell, if 1 in 50 books me, that’s worth the effort. That ice ain’t gonna suck crack itself, and I sure ain’t waiting around hoping to surf the thaw that may never come. It’s so much about who-else-have-you-fucked, but you gotta plant the seeds, lots of em. Actually this Chemnitz thing is pretty encouraging, he’s quite psyched to have me. Maybe somebody else will be too; one way to find out is to just persist persist persist, and also vary the strategy from time to time…not sure what kind of results I should expect from just hi here’s an email, but it’s all i got just now.

was reading some of self-improvement notes earlier, and I realized, there’s so fucking much of it, I get discouraged, ADD kicks in and it all looks like such a huge never ever. I’ve been video-skyping with Anna, the other girl i was seeing last summer, and she’s so warm and adores me just as i am, so i am trying to let that sink in every chance i get. One of the big points of that Money is my Friend book, is we get caught up in the script of thinking we have to pass certain tests or whatever to gain parental approval, and he says no, just step outside that, and give yourself permission to experience abundance RIGHT NOW. fuck why not, sulking about overwhelms sure hasn’t been a champion sound. Motivation has a way of reinforcing itself; if you can just get started, sometimes it makes enough sauce to keep the boiler self-stoking.

I think right about now (1ish pm) this time last year I was blinking away the tears at Tegel Airport in NW Berlin, dumbfounded that I’d actually pulled it off, wondering wtf i had gotten myself into, all of the above, etc. The way that place is laid out, you go from your gate to curb in maybe 40 steps, so just like that, I was at the taxi stand, no foreplay, just plop. In a taxi, headed to my friend’s place, and then…shit, which bell? took 20 minutes to figure out how to get to a phone, and call, and get in, and…well then. It certainly has been a very mixed bag, lots of uncertainty, lots of loneliness and overwhelm (the language seems so impenetrable), but it’s also had loads of high points, and daily at least one moment of oh just hell yeah look where I *AM*!! finally getting to an ok enough place about Nicole, she doesn’t communicate much but when she does it’s very sweet, hope to see her maybe the weekend after this? we’ll see. but while it was good with her, man, it was just the best time, and worth a lot of pain.

aaaaand my new Illbient mix is up on promomixes.com today, very psyched, and what perfect timing! love that massive tracklist, like 70 some tracks.

my cough has been intermittently raging; I’m at peace for several hours and then the storm returns. this morning about 5 the neighbor across the wall, like, next building over, knocked on the wall. Shit dude, I would stop if i could. Went to doctor yesterday, and she actually thinks it’s due to my sinus drip, which would be encouraging, been afraid I had some deeply-scarred lungs from all the years of weeding. got the scrip too late for the druggers last night, but will go get some pills in a bit, and codeine for the late nights. She told me stay the hell out of clubs and rest, and other than beers tonight with a few friends, I will. With the time i would be spending going out (and sleeping late and waking up beaten), I can get some rest, get up early and scheme for my busy spring and summer DJing, and light this thing up.

Raise a glass for me today, howbowcha!!

my main client has three and a half more months of work for me. I hardly get rich off them, but I’m making my expenses and have enough to go out two or three times most weeks. but around mid-June, that’s the last of it. we may get approved for a third season, and I asked if perhaps I could have a raise, and they said actually they’re getting their budget cut by 10% if it goes ahead, which isn’t even a given. So, am making a few revisions to my reel, and then it is so fucking time to hit the bricks here, and rub them sticks together. also would be SO swell if I could climb off my thumb and make the DJ thing happen this summer.

windy as fuck here yesterday. apparently northern France got majorly hammered by storms, many dead. Earthquakes in Chile, tsunamis flying off from there. I’ll take having a decent skillset and a handful of annoyances, like needing to learn the language, over that shit anyday.

for a bad dry cough, I get ice cream. fucking pint of Haagen Dasz is 5 euros here, that’s fucking 7 bucks! but, chocolate.

last night when I was out I recognized a girl who had checked out the third room here, from an email she had sent. told her she’d be great, and we really wanted to get the current one out because she’s fucking insane. she wasn’t really interested, had already been to check it out (didn’t know that), so wah’evahs. but! today i wake up and my wish came true! the bed was stripped, closet empty, luggage gone, woo hoo! I’ve avoided writing about her on here because i had to live with her, and one day she tells me she came here and did a search for any posts with “roommate” in them, to see what i said about her. Hey mush for brains, are you reading today?

what a pathetic excuse for a human. she has some intelligence, has studied a few languages, but as far as day to day reality, well, whenever I am feeling unviable, at least i’ll have this wormfood to compare myself favorably to. though, that would actually be sad, if I have to stoop so low to feel better. would rather just erase memory of her completely. Her eyes had zero presence, just this vague glittery jelly area, like they were smudged on. I tried being friendly at first, but I’d say hello in the kitchen and she’d just unhh and shuffle past. fine, tune out. I really doubt she is long for this world, she really should just be institutionalized. nice and friendly, sort of, will give her that, and there are far more destructive assholes than her, definitely, but damn, just stunningly out of her fucking mind.

good fucking riddance. hey shithead, don’t be surprised when wherever you end up, the change of scenery doesn’t make fuckall difference. pity the people who deal with her. roomie here only took her because he was desperate to cover the rent, i didn’t meet her until he’d already given the ok, or i would have vetoed her so fast. He is a super nice guy, very non-judgmental, but even he got his patience absolutely ground to a stub.

my horrible cough is back rather in full force. spent the day in bed trying to give my body a break, but there’s work to be done. but the good news should be a mood lifter. next!!

this wednesday will be one year I am here, woo hoo! wow. hasn’t been easy, and at times has been ecstatic or horrible, but what a chapter. so glad I did this, really hope I can do better this next 6 months, visa interview will be in August, nice to be able to show them engagement and success.

and just like this time a year ago, I have been coughing hard for the last solid hour since waking. fuck. I think i need a moratorium on smoky bars and smoke-machine-ravaged dance clubs. damn. fucking insurance is “investigating” my claim for asking the doctor about the cough, which has raged and then gone away several times, and they have taken nearly two months now. jerks. I wish I could go to my doctor and see what’s up, but I have too many outstanding bills with her, getting late fees. and besides, i am still not doing any yoga, and i think it is time to hold myself hostage until I do. baby needs health points.

yeah, i am still in the game, but i am far from winning it.

just got a tight little book today, only 130 and some pages, but it looks like one a them golden tickets so far

Money Is My Friend, by Phil Laut (revised edition)

on the psychology of prosperity. drenched in great reviews on Amazon, available there used for slightly more than postage. am about a third into it; don’t really think such things as investment and savings will ever really apply to me so maybe I’m mostly through the parts that are relevant to me (although he suggests having some savings as a way to help you feel more prosperous, that sounds interesting, have never had anything saved). have read more than once, that money problems are never about money, which seems so right. still stinging over Nicole’s mention of my all-but-terminal financial instability, which don’t think I haven’t noticed…hardly, thinking about that marks when it’s time to get out of bed in the morning, no sleep after those howlers alight on the blankets. so, wanna change? yes, yes I do, thanks for asking. Bits about shame, and parental undermining, guilt, various fears. I like. have a look.

have always had a large issue with feeling outside the universe, somehow especially marked for apathy or derision by thee forces wot be. he suggests that is such a common mishap, and one that has remedies. buddy, you have my ear.

I am always, always trying to work out some kind of structure for my day, such that i don’t have to make decisions, because, left to that, i fidget and fizzle and then it’s late afternoon and I’ve done fuckall. tonight, made a separate sublist, larger letters, bold type, for the morning warmup. I wake up feeling so pessimistic, and guts full of the Foam of Evil (maaaaajor issue, always…my empty guts. auuugh), so in that is the key to my day. First, warm the body, then worry about the mind. If I could get some heat going in the morning, the whole day could change. I persist.

and I am so due for a bratwurst.