schnoidlblog

got a surprise payment from a client yesterday, and woke up today and started researching German classes, figured I’d start in October. Was about settled on a pricey but very intensive class on the other side of town, then somebody posted oh fuck that shit, go to the public school and work hard and save your money. Turns out there’s a school walking distance from here, and it’s only 100€ for four hours 4x/week, so…I start on Monday. Whoa! what?!?!

word is you take your chances there, some teachers are great, some suck, but I think I may have been fooling myself with the heroic idea of the other course, all macho bring on tha sufferin yo, so let’s see. maybe do this for a month, then take a break and then do the other one for the next level and call it a day. just enough to get past the articles and cases and learn enough to learn the rest on my own. and that will bring us to December, which hmmm, maybe i will be ready to spend elsewhere or something.

after last week’s dip into hell, i think life calls for some investment and gratitude.

girl from this spring emails me last night to say she’s pregnant. Then no more emails for the evening. I assumed she had been concealing it to trap me, and totally fucking laid into her with all i had, sent a string of seriously vicious emails. This evening she says “who said it was yours?” Turns out, it’s not. what a fucking cunt, you couldn’t have mentioned that last night? This fool has no sense of boundaries, or other people, and no real value system other than the two religions competing to pull her strings. She’s so adrift, and I really pity that child, though I guess most kids get major losers for parents, so, whatever. SO glad my bloodline isn’t mingling with this rank sludge.

BONUS: never wants to hear from me again. Win!!

Usually I barely give a woman the time of day if i don’t see us as a long term possibility, but this spring i was soooo desperate for contact, and it well could have cost me big time. if I didn’t learn my lesson this time, then i deserve whatever comes next time I screw up.

fffffuck my heart has been on edge all day, have been ready to just snap.

EXHALE!! Time to go all skippy and prance down the street, tra la la la!!

EDIT: hey dull girl, nobody from your town reads this blog, it’s only your narcissism that makes you come here and check what i wrote. go away. so sad.

I don’t often eat meat, and haven’t had a piece of chicken in too long to even remember. last night at a party there’s an outdoor food concession, guy makes a couple Jamaican specialties. The jerk chicken was seriously calling me, so I did. There is something very special about gnawing the meat off a bone. That is all.

I signed up for a local gym today. 40€/mo., with sauna. 60€ for initial evaluation/training/program setup (whatever). signed up for six months, with option to suspend for 2 mos. if i leave town, which i hope to, once this apartment runs out. we’ll see. I’ve been promising myself to do this for years, and it’s in the same building as the German course I would like to do next month, so I can get all zonked on Deutsch and come down and space out on the machines. just like the someday of moving to Europe, the someday of getting buffed up a little bit, if not now, then when? more or less pulling off the living in Europe thing, so hell, a new challenge.

saw a delicious woman tonight at Mein Haus, place was kind of empty and she was talking to her friends, so i only passed her a CD and smiled as i was leaving, told her I DJ there sometimes…but there seemed to be a pause where she was slightly taken aback, in a good way. She was blonde (not my thing), but it looked bleached, nice full dark eyebrows, big soulful eyes, and just the right amount of thick. when I pointed her out to my friend, he was like yeah noooo (no love for the non-skinnies i guess), so here’s hoping she is just starved enough for attention to oh i dunno, use the email on the CD? fucking one in a millions, I’m always looking for them, but after weeks of noes, I’m never ready when it’s a yes. If I see her again, I will move better.

Universe: let’s do this. I know you fucking heard me.

last night, was supposed to meet a guy at a club, we had a good chat there a few months ago and i thought I’d try to see if there was a further friendship. we had emailed earlier in the week. Go in, ahhh there he is, go over, start chatting. After a bit, hmmm, you don’t remember emailing me that? You’re Robert right? Oh, you’re not? Oh you’re that other guy that emailed me on myspace that i didn’t know who it was? ok funny. So, who’s Robert then?

also, there were two guys i met about the same time months ago, and I knew one of them was Rudolph, see him a lot, but never see the other guy. Wasn’t really sure if i had maybe-Rudolph’s name right. So last night I was thinking it’s about time to ask him, and then this guy comes up, don’t remember his face, he says “I’m Rudolph”. Ok, solved that, so what’s the other guy’s name?

and, looked up an old lover on facebook yesterday, and last night a woman sits down across from me who really looked like her.

earlier this week thought of an old friend, really don’t think I’ve thought of her in a long time, and next day bing, there she is on facebook.

There is something called The Simulation Argument, where, if a civilization is, say, 10K years more technologically advanced than us, most likely they could figure out how to generate a vast simulated universe. Of all the billions and billions of yeah whatever zillions of galaxies in the universe, the chances of there NOT being a civilization like that are so infinitesimally small as to be negligible, therefore the likelihood that we are in a simulation approaches near certainty.

well that would explain a lot…

sent a semi-pissy email to the manager where I DJ sometimes, and wasn’t sure if he’d tell me to fuck off, or if it would get his attention. Latter: he paid me ok for Friday, and gave me two slots for Sept and two more for October, which is one or two less than i had hoped for but at this point i am kind of over caring. I’d generally rather be playing than not, even if most people there don’t seem to give a shit. Free beer, free time to experiment with combinations of tracks.

will go to Berghain twice this weekend; my favorite DJ, Surgeon, is there for a rare appearance Friday, first I’ve seen him there, should be thrilling. Saturday I DJ, then go back again for a friend playing, one of the Berlin originals, should be fine.

looks like I might barely squeak past the August money dregs; am pretty broke right now but my clients are, hopefully, going to catch me before the edge. These quarterly insurance payments are rather the kidney stone, but I guess one big jump is better than a monthly crisis.

other than that, fuck, I got nothin. one foot in front of the other. local gym has a 20€ for 8 weeks special, so when the money lands I might go look in the mirror and see what happens. Several of my relatives are tanks, would be fun to buff up a bit.

oh wait, my set from Poland last week is up, turn that shit the fuck up LOUD. Hardly my most ambitious or original ever, but the crowd sure did enjoy it.

was so big and sprawling, not as many soundsystem/trucks as last year, though the route went from one side of town to the other, very impressive. And when it went under railroad bridges, it got that much louder. But damned drand that if a bunch of anarchists and hardocre fans want to a big noisy booming parade down main roads, the city says ok sure, organizes a police escort and makes it happen. I don’t think that would generally happen in the US.

there seems to be a German tendency not to communicate if things take any effort. Lots of people just don’t respond to emails or whichever. It’s not just me, lots of people have howled about it. Fucking lame. I was supposed to go to Chemnitz this weekend and play, wrote my contact last week to confirm, and he still hasn’t replied. I found out through someone else that they decided not to have me because my fee was too high. Um, the email that *I* have says they offered to pay for my train and I responded YES, so where is this bullshit coming from? Same thing last week when the guy at Mein Haus conveniently forgot that i was booked to play, and accidentally booked someone else for that night, booked them that day in fact. Don’t know what is gained, maybe they save a little having to stand up for themselves, but they look like a spineless piece of shit in my eyes.

oh well.

I really should give a proper shout out to my (long-gone) Mom, she’s a big part of why coming here is so magical for me. Sophie Virginia Udinski, later Drake, oldest of three sisters, w/3 brothers, child of two broke-ass Polish-American peasants, born 1923 somewhere in Jersey farm country, Camden I think. She was Papa’s favorite, but he died on her 13th birthday, that’ll ruin your day. Her Mom was a house, and got those six kids to adulthood ok. never knew her, she caught the boat to Jesus the year before i fell out of the sky.

She was the breadwinner in our family; Dad had a terrible heart and couldn’t even do stairs. She was a telephone operator back in the day when it involved plugs and cords and stuff. She knew all the goings on in my little town, they all did: which preacher was boinking which wife, which guy was evening the score with his wife while he was out snakin’, etc. And if somebody made a lotsa-coins call from a payphone, she’d try to get me to hustle the three miles downtown on my bike real fast before her supervisor noticed she had her finger on the switch, and I’d have cash for an afternoon, thanks you sneaky. But that was later.

Apparently my Dad, although sickly, was a domineering sort. I heard many years after the fact that after he died my Mom actually blossomed a bit. She was so alone; my Dad’s family was nice, in their way, but were more meddling than supportive. Her family was four hours away. I think she was actually ok with that. Anyway, she was a tractor. She raised two bitchy little kids, who were way smarter than her and so not afraid to use it against her. She bought a plot of land three miles out of town, and built a new house on it. She made shit happen. And of course that house was spotless. I had no idea, i just thought, like most kids do, that things are just always that way. No, she was the real thing, a true supermom.

Mainly I just wanted to say what a dear she was. Simple soul, innocence of a little six year old country girl, her favorite shows were Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune, and she loved her some Golden Girls. Me, all full of myself from college and adventures in the big world, was privately horrified by that, but I was also happy to park by the TV and enjoy them with her. All my friends who met her adored her, she was really not like other people.

She retired from the telephone company after 27 years, can you imagine doing that shit for that long? she must have started when she was like 25 or something. she got disability because it was driving her fucking crazy to be there, good for her for digging in and insisting on that. fuck. When we moved to Virginia we still needed more money, so she re-invented herself as a yard sale gleaner, going out early every morning and raiding carports and stoops all over town, then on weekends selling at a local sprawling flea market. she learned a lot about what was what, and bought things for 50 cents and sold them for $3, which sure, go ahead and snicker at, but she did that all on her own, and over time she built up a reputation and people were always happy to see her.

I was always so proud of her, called her several times a week when i got to NYC, loved her broadly and without reserve, my big huggy bear. She’s who i got my bowling pin calves from, hers were just as big. s-o-l-i-d woman.

Anyway, i could go further, but I’m probably losing you by now. Just wanted to shout out to that big dear. Maybe one of these days I’ll get my sister to send a scan of a photo.

My Soie.